Fast Forward Read online

  I nodded. My foot kept tapping against the side of my chair. “I’m not like you, Mr. Ivy League. Paperwork makes me nervous and takes me ages to get through. I have to think about every single word I write. I don’t want to say anything that’ll mess up our application.”

  “Think about it like writing a song.” When I tilted my head sideways, he added, “Seriously! Just don’t worry, please. I’ll review everything before I send it to Curtis. So in the end there’ll be several pairs of eyes to ensure we look like the most respectable, mature and stable adoptive parents ever.”

  I chuckled. “Good luck with that. Erasing six years of screwing up is gonna take some clever spin.”

  Josh waved his hands and shrugged. “What can I say? I’m getting into politics after all.” His cocky expression shifted to a serious one. “It’s not a lie. We’re the best parents for Lucas?”

  He said that, not so much as a question, but as if he was willing it to be true. “We are,” I told him because I knew so. I didn’t want us to part with heavy thoughts so I changed the topic. “I thought politics was all about big ideas and big dreams anyway. And this Senator Estevez you’re working for, he’s supposed to be new blood.”

  “I’d like to think so.”

  “So why do you look so gloomy each time we talk about your new job?”

  Josh leaned against the back of his chair, his gaze lost somewhere through the window among the scene outside.

  “I’d have made more money in lobbying.”

  My heart froze. I couldn’t keep the words in and they burst out of my mouth. “You mean you could make more money if you were getting married to Eleanor and worked for her daddy.”

  He looked dazed. “Where the hell did that come from?”

  Coffee always made me snappy and I was overdosing on it right now. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything. I guess… I still don’t feel totally secure. Lenor is pretty much the dream girl.”

  “For the record, Cassie, I could have worked in lobbying for someone other than Bruce Carrington. I chose to join Estevez’s staff because I admire the man and I believe in him and what he can do for the country. Now is it the best paid job on the Hill? Nope. Far from it.”

  “It’s still good money and, as far as I can remember, you’ve always wanted to change the world.”

  “Sure, but I have a family to look after now.”

  It was my turn to lean forward and lace my fingers through his. “You’ll look after us just fine, Champ. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.” He didn’t say anything so I pushed my point. “You’ll make us proud, Joshua MacBride. I know you will.”

  The tension in his body told me he wasn’t convinced. “It’s time to go,” he said.

  I didn’t want to leave him. It was like being a kid on my way to summer camp, leaving my parents for the first time. Josh was my family and I couldn’t be without him ever again.

  He paid for our coffees and escorted me outside. He had my duffel bag on one shoulder and carried my guitar case in that hand. His free hand was on the small of my back. He force-marched me to the corner where the bus would be waiting. It sat in front of the hotel where the rest of the band members had spent the night.

  “What’s up, Cass?”

  I didn’t answer.

  Josh leveled himself so that he could stare at me in the eyes. “You know you’re going to be late now.”

  I nodded. A tight nod like I’d seen Lucas make when he was sulking. Josh cocked his eyebrow but didn’t say anything.

  “I don’t want to go.”

  “Are you scared to be in that bus full of testosterone-fueled guys? Because, to be honest, I’m a little scared one of those cool guys will sweep you off your feet and make you forget all about your stuck-up, nerdy husband.”

  Josh having self-esteem issues? That’s new.

  “It’ll never happen, Champ. You’re the only one I want to sweep me off my feet. Even when you’re old and wrinkly.”

  He whistled. “So I better stay fit in my senior years.”

  “You bet. But that’s not why I don’t want to go.” He gave me another cock of his eyebrow that made my toes curl inside my boots. “I don’t want to be away from you again.” The wave of emotions crashed over me harder than I expected. A waterfall of tears wasn’t the good-bye gift I wanted to give Josh. “Now that I have you back, I never want to let you go.”

  The humor left his face and his expression turned serious. “Listen to me, Cass. Listen to me carefully.” His forehead came to rest against mine. “We are never letting go of each other. Never. That shit is never happening again.”

  I fought the lump in my throat. “Then why am I getting onto that bus when I could follow you to D.C?”

  “Because you shouldn’t have to sacrifice who you are to love me.”

  “I can’t be a mother and a wife if I’m touring around the country and sleeping on a bus.”

  He lowered his gaze and I knew I’d scored a point. “Let’s deal with that when the moment comes. Right now there’s nothing we can do about Lucas except filling in the paperwork and spending time with him when we’re given the opportunity. That’s why I want you to get on that bus and climb on a different stage every night and give it everything you’ve got.”

  I swallowed hard. “I’ll try to make you proud.”

  “I already am.”

  And that goddamned tear tracked down my cheek. His lips came closer to stop it and make it his.

  “Let’s go.” He grabbed the bag he’d let fall on the sidewalk and my guitar, and pulled me by the hand.

  “Cassie.” Shawn was waving at me from the front of the bus. “What the fuck are you doing? I’ve been calling your cell for the last thirty minutes. We need to get on the road like an hour ago.”

  I’d switched off my cell.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled and walked briskly to Shawn. He was already halfway into the bus. Goosebumps broke over my bare arms under the cold rushing from the air-conditioner.

  “I thought you’d bailed on me,” Shawn drawled, pausing on the steps to welcome me.

  “Sorry,” I repeated lamely, but my new colleague was now focused on Josh.

  He extended his hand toward Shawn. “Josh MacBride. I’m Cassie’s husband.”

  Shawn did a double-take. “So that’s true… I thought Cassie was making that up to keep me away.”

  “That’s the truth, nothing but the truth.” Josh smiled at Shawn but his voice sounded to me like several hundred degrees below zero.

  “Okay,” Shawn answered. He took the duffel and the guitar from Josh. “Say your goodbyes and we’ll be off.” He disappeared inside.

  I climbed one step, which brought my eyes almost to Josh’s level. “So this is it.” Oh God, no crying, no crying, no crying. I pursed my lips and locked my jaw.

  “Make the most of it, Cass.” His mouth caressed mine. It wasn’t enough but any more and I would come undone. “With some luck we’ll see each other in D.C. in three weeks and then next month here again to see Lucas.”

  I started to turn around and climb the stairs. The strength of his grip on my wrist startled me. In a flash, his palms cupped my cheeks.

  “I won’t let you get away, Cass. Not again. I made the mistake twice. I believed the worst of you. I didn’t fight for you.”

  “It’s okay, Champ. It’s the past—”

  “It’ll never be okay. You are worth fighting for. You are worth dying for. And you are certainly worth living for. I’ll go after anything or anyone standing between us like a fucking Rottweiler.”

  He kissed me and it felt like he was stamping me with his love. My legs threatened to give way. He stood back and I climbed one step backwards. The automatic door shut in front of me.

  I lifted my hand and waved at Josh. I must have looked like the poor kid who’d lost her mom in the mall. I heard whistles coming from the cabin of the bus but I didn’t give a damn.

  My lips shaped the words I hadn’t said to Josh for so
long. I didn’t want to say them out loud. Not because of the guys making fun of me, but because there were only mine and I didn’t want to share them with anybody but Josh.

  I.

  Love.

  You.

  CHAPTER 6

  Cassie

  Toilet bowls are gross. Toilet bowls in the backroom of a small concert venue in downtown Wichita are GROSS, GROSS, GROSS. I forced my eyes to look away, pinched my cheeks and breathed out. Five loud times.

  My stomach gradually started to settle down. A bit. Still, when I held my hand out, it was shaking. I had—what?—five minutes to pull myself together and get my butt on stage for the opening act. Tonight was my baptism of fire.

  I rubbed my lips together, spun around and lifted the latch. Like a soldier heading into battle—or a prisoner on death row—I headed out of the restroom, down the corridor to the tiny backstage area. I walked into a cloud of smoke.

  The Libs were all there except Shawn. One of the guys—the drummer—was stretched across a tattered sofa. He extended his arm toward me. “Wanna a puff before the big show?”

  “No, thanks.” I’d never done drugs, not even pot, and I wasn’t going to start now. Even on the edge of a freakin’ meltdown.

  “Give it a rest Pete. Blondie’s all prim and proper. Don’t lead her astray.”

  I looked at the guy who’d just spoken. Geoff. A real asshole. I’d been on the bus with The Libs for two days but I’d already determined the lanky bassist with pantie-dropping doe eyes was a plague best avoided.

  “Thanks for looking out for me, Geoff. But, don’t refer to me by my hair color.”

  He whistled. “I love a girl with attitude.”

  “Really, I thought you simply liked them loud.” Last night, I’d woken up to the screams of the girl he was making out with on the bunk above mine.

  The guys laughed but Geoff didn’t. I guess he wasn’t that keen on girls who answered back after all.

  “Ready, Cass?” Shawn made his entry. He was shorter than the rest of the band but he had that special spark the others lacked. His energy filled the small room. He was the one familiar thing I’d held on to for the last two days.

  “Ready.” I swallowed hard. It was total bluff and Shawn’s half-smile told me he’d found me out.

  “I’ll walk you to the stage if you want?”

  I nodded and grabbed my guitar. I slid my hand in his, hoping he wouldn’t notice how damp it was. At the end of the corridor three steps led up to the stage. I prayed my legs wouldn’t give way beneath me.

  “It’s a small venue, Cass. Not much bigger than The Turf.”

  I nodded again because if I opened my mouth now, I’d croak.

  “You’re shit scared, are you?”

  Another nod.

  Shawn’s hand reached for my earlobe. He pinched it gently.

  “What was that for?” I mumbled.

  “It’s my trick to help with stage fright.” He did another gentle earlobe squeeze. “Does it help?”

  With the noise of the audience bursting throughout the room, I could still hear my heart beat pounding in my chest and my stomach and my head.

  “No.”

  “Put on your guitar strap.” I obeyed, but Shawn was now watching me intently. If I wasn’t one inch away from losing it, I’d be blushing hard or telling the guy to stare elsewhere.

  “Take a deep breath,” he whispered to me. I took a raspy breath. “You’ve got something very special, babe. None of those guys have it.” He nodded toward the backroom. “You make the stage yours from the second you step onto it. So don’t be scared out there because that’s where you’re meant to be.”

  “I don’t—I’m not,” I stammered.

  “It’s like going home, Cass.” He climbed two steps and held out his hand to me.

  I stared at it for what felt like a day. I swallowed hard again and something shifted within me. I was burning to get out there. Because out there was the only place I wasn’t scared of anything.

  I took Shawn’s hand.

  CHAPTER 7

  Josh

  “It’s completely last minute, but can you make it?”

  Andrew Estevez’s question startled me. My mind had flown back to Kansas City and Cassie’s ’I love you.’ Two weeks ago.

  “Joshua?” The Senator put his glass of mineral water back on the table. At the end of my second week, he’d taken me out for an early dinner. He didn’t do that for every junior staff member.

  “Yes, Sir. My apologies. I appreciate your offer.” Still, I couldn’t bring myself to answer. The sudden European trip overlapped the weekend Cassie was supposed to visit me. The weekend we were supposed to go house-hunting.

  “Joshua?” Peter Swift, the Deputy Chief of Staff, made sure my hesitation had been duly noted. The guy had to have been gutted he wasn’t the only one offered the opportunity. He’d been Estevez’s pet since graduation from Harvard five years ago.

  “Of course, I’ll be there. I’m honored you’re asking me to join you.”

  Senator Estevez was a member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. The primary reason I’d been asked to join his staff was my Oxford Rhodes Scholarship and my Masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown. Still, being asked to come with him was a big deal.

  “Good. It’s settled then. I’ll be speaking at The Oxford Union. I want you to give me the inside track on what to expect.” Senator Estevez winked and took another bite of his cheeseburger. We were at The Bite, a joint Downtown where prominent D.C. people pretended to slum it. “And please, Josh, call me Andy.”

  “Thank you, Andy.” I finished my own burger, which tasted nothing like the ones I grilled back at Mr. Guidi’s. Cassie would be in Seattle tonight. I hoped she was enjoying the cross-country tour. I only wished I could be with her.

  An hour later, and after a stop in a bar for a night cap, Peter got into a cab and Andy got into his chauffeured car. I started to walk to the next metro station. I knew D.C. pretty well from the Georgetown years, but this was my first time there as a proper adult.

  It’d been a busy week, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back to the apartment where I was staying just yet. I needed some fresh air, or as fresh as Downtown D.C. could offer. I also needed to give my brain a break after the last two weeks of hand-shaking, fake-smiling, and speech-writing. Plus, the night was hot and sticky and, while most people hid in air-conditioned rooms, I loved the warmth.

  So I started out on my own personal tourist trail. First I headed toward the Capitol Building. All the neighboring buildings looked overwhelmed by the imposing dome. I knew how they felt. My life back in Kansas hadn’t prepared me for this world, but the four years I’d spent hobnobbing with Lenor’s family had at least given me a hint of what was to come.

  Was it fair to ask Cassie and Lucas to follow me here?

  Working on the Hill had been my goal since my second year at Georgetown. But being a junior staffer for an up-and-coming senator wouldn’t fit well with being a father to a five-year-old. The long hours wouldn’t leave me with much family time. I chased those thoughts away and passed the Supreme Court, then the Library of Congress.

  I was seven the first time I’d come to D.C. My father had brought me for the Memorial Day weekend. We’d visited Arlington Cemetery and I could still see the sea of flags that decorated the graves that day. That was when I’d decided that, one day, I’d do something for my country too. Kids have big dreams, or so should they.

  After Arlington, my dad and I had continued on to The Mall and ended at the Lincoln Memorial. That was where I wanted to be tonight. Not because of any precious memories I had of my beloved father, but because I wanted to feel like the boy I had once been. A boy not much older than my own son was now.

  I strode along Constitution Avenue and reached the Reflection Pool. Behind me, Lincoln gazed down. As I sat on a bench, my feet were throbbing: I’d walked too far in my stiff business shoes. My cell vibrated in my suit pocket. For the beat of a second, my
heartbeat quickened in the hope it was Cassie. But she would be on stage about now.

  “Darling! I hope it’s not too late.”

  “Mom! It’s always the right time for you.”

  She giggled and I enjoyed hearing the youthful echo of her laugh. I’d rarely heard that over the last decade and I hadn’t even noticed it was missing.

  “I’m just your mother, sweetie. Now that you have a wife, I should take a back seat.”

  “Even if I were the worst son in the whole world, I doubt my wife would let me leave you by the wayside. Cass is your biggest fan.”

  “What can I say? That’s my reward for baking her apple pie every Sunday for ten years.”

  I smiled, but the line went mute. “Has he moved out?”

  “Yesterday.”

  My father didn’t deserve her, had never deserved her. “Was he sober?”

  “We did it in the morning. He was too hung-over to be his usual aggressive self, which was a relief.”

  I shook my head and my hand curled into a fist. “I hate him.” I hated him for treating my mom like shit for years. I hated him for manipulating Cassie into giving up our son behind my back.

  “Don’t. Please, don’t waste your time on him. Don’t let what he did to me, you or Cassie spoil all the good coming your way.”

  I wished I could be that mature. I clearly wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to let my mother down, so I moved on. “Thanks again for lending me the money for the attorney. Give me two months and I’ll start paying you back. I promise.”

  “I don’t want to see that money back. I gave it to you, Joshua.”

  “We’ll need cash to pay for the deposit on our apartment. So that’s where my first pay check will go.”

  “Josh!”

  “Mom, I really appreciate you helping me, but I want to cover the legal costs for the adoption. It won’t make up for being out of his life for six years, but….” I let my sentence hang.

  My mother and I were masters of the stretched silences. It never felt awkward between us. She finally gave in. “You do what you have to. You’re his father.”